Driving out the darkness

One of the more common things for a preemie - especially a micro-preemie - to experience is severe, deep bruising after delivery. The reason this happens is because their blood vessels are just so fragile that it doesn't take much to cause them to bleed and bruises to form as a result. Little X was so bruised after birth, he had to be under special lights for several days. The lights helped to break down the high levels of bilirubin that his body produced as the bruises gradually healed and faded.

If you've ever watched a bruise heal, it gradually changes colors. Black, blue, green and even yellow are very common colors to see in the the various stages of a healing bruise. The yellow color is the one associated with bilirubin. The problem with the high levels in a newborn (especially a preemie) is they can actually develop bilirubin toxicity. The extra bilirubin can build up in areas of their brains and lead to permanent brain damage, cerebral palsy, seizures, problems with reflexes, problems with the eyes, and even problems with enamel development on their still forming teeth. None of this is stuff that you want to have to worry about; especially since preemies are already at risk for all of these things anyway.

X spent about a week under lights that helped his body break down the extra bilirubin. While he was under the lights, his eyes had to be covered to protect them. If his eyes hadn't been protected, the lights could have permanently damaged his retinas. While we were very much ok with protecting his eyes, the down side was that we couldn't see his face much if at all. He was SO small, that the little eye mask that he had on covered pretty much his entire face. It was hard not being able to see him looking at us.

The other part of this was that the bruising was painful in addition to all the catheters and iv lines that X had. He spent a lot of his first days of life sedated and given pain medication to make sure he was comfortable. He was given Fentanyl and Ativan for close to a month. The doses were gradually reduced every day until he was totally off of them. I don't know if X remembers any of this. He's still way too little to be able to tell us if he does or not, but I hope he doesn't.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that..."  - Martin Luther King Jr.

I've read this quote many times in my life. I just didn't know that after X was born, it would take on a totally different meaning for me. His deep bruising wouldn't be able to heal without significant damage to his body if left in the "dark" (normal hospital lighting). Instead, he had to have lights - specially designed lights - that allowed his body to break down the bruising and the resulting bilirubin and allow his body to start the long process of healing.

This was just the very beginning of what was still to come...